Disappointments

When it rains, it pours. And I guess it's true. We've had a month of mid-sized disappointments. Today the BIG ONE showed up. In the form of my sister-in-law, who will no longer be able to come and help me for one month before and two months after the twins come along. I was really counting on this.

I'm surprisingly not completely falling apart yet, but I suspect it's just a matter of time. I figured that since I always nurse my children 'til they're a year old, the babies would end up being almost completely my job, but...

REASONS I DESPERATELY NEED SPECIFICALLY MY SISTER-IN-LAW

1. Dear Little Bear. He's 2 1/2 and a complete Mama's boy. I've been so worried about him feeling left out of my attentions. Now I have to worry about him having ANYONE to look out for him while my boobage is hooked to wee babes or I'm trying desperately to sleep.

2. Terrible TWO year old little bear -little bear is a walking talking demolition team. He is a force to be reckoned with. There ain't no mountain high enough to keep him out of mischief. I'm so afraid he will get hurt of poison himself or something.

3. I have serious trust issues. I have no family here or not even anyone that could travel here. My sister-in-law was my one big hope and now I'm feeling hopeless. Who can I trust with my little bear AND who can I trust not to be snooping through our mail, and other personal stuff?

4. I remember well what things were like two years ago when little bear was the wee one. I couldn't even get a shower most days, but at least I could sleep when he slept -MOSTLY. I haven't the slightest idea how dinner will be cooked, clothes cleaned, house cleaned etc.

5. That OCD thing? I really am ocd with housework. While my house is NEVER spotless, I do generally manage to keep up with dishes, counters, bathrooms and floors (even if it means I pay the 12 year old to vacuum and mop). When the house is messy (even just a pile of dishes in the sink), I feel almost physically ill. Okay, I know it's crazy; I know that you're all thinking get over it, but it's really not something that I can get over. I feel so sad and kind of falling apart when the house is a wreck. I feel kind of floaty, happy, sparkly and good when it's clean. I know it's weird, but what is the title of this blog anyway?

6. THE LAUNDRY Upon their arrival, I will be mother to FOUR children. Four children wear and dirty kajillions of clothes.

7. THE HUBBY He works 75 hours a week -a necessity to keep me home caring for the kids. And I'm grateful that he's willing to work that much, but I sure can't have him rushing around fixing meals and cleaning house and doing laundry. He'd do it, but then I'd worry over his exhaustion and him possibly dozing off on the way to the job at 2:30 in the morning, as he barely sleeps 5 to 6 hours a night.

8. THE BUDGET Much as I'd love to just have a cleaning person come in, the budget is not fit to handle it. This goes for pretty well any other kind of hired help

9. ANOTHER ADULT HUMAN BEING -to keep me from losing my mind, I was really thrilled with the idea of having another adult human here captive with me during my incarceration, er recovery from childbirth.

10. GROCERY SHOPPING -we may starve not just because Mama can't find time to cook, but also because we may actually run out of food AND the budget so will not handle ordering out even as much as once a week, much less every night. HOW will I ever manage to do the shopping with TWO baby carriers and a TWO YEAR OLD? I know I could fit the two carriers in the cart, but then where do I put the two year old and the groceries? I can't possibly push two carts by myself. If you knew how clumsy and distracted I am already you'd know that that could only result in a tragedy that would result in me being interviewed on the Today show at o' dark thirty on a Tuesday morning.

So, I think that covers most of the reasons. I don't know why I'm not collapsing from anxiety yet, but rest assured -it won't be long. I know I'm not the only mother who's ever given birth to twins, but I feel like I'm the only mother who ever had twins and had NO ONE to help. Admittedly my twelve year old can help some each day when he gets home from Jr. High, but he also has homework to tend to and needs time to be a normal nearly teenager. And he's been so good and helpful during the trials of pregnancy that I really don't want to heap a ton more on him. Pray for me. PLEASE.